My Messy Life

I love house magazines. I love Martha Stewart Living, House Beautiful, Country Home, Elle Decor, and even Better Homes and Gardens. Sometimes when I need comforting I buy Real Simple. Everything really IS simple in Real Simple. I love how clean, organized, and orderly the Real Simple world is. No dust bunnies under the bed, sparkling clean baseboards, a place for everything and everything in its place.

So it's sometimes hard not to think of it as a personal failure that my room looks like this. And that it looks like this A LOT. Because I LOVE clean, organized, calm, pretty places. And it's a shame, because I live in a very nice room, with wood floors, high ceilings, a big closet and my own bathroom. Oh, the wasted potential!

So let's just consider this the "Before" picture, ok? Sooner or later I'll post an "After" picture that will make you wonder if this is the same room. And in the meantime, I'm going to try to give myself a break. I'm not the only one with this problem, right? Right?

Walk in the Park

Today was a beautiful day. A little windy, but lots of bright sun after a few days of gloomy weather. I spontaneously met a friend after work and sat in Prospect Park. I love that this park is a vibrant, much-used space. I have lived near parks that have seen better days but this one is still in full swing. I like seeing all kinds of people running, walking their dogs, playing soccer and frisbee, practicing tai chi, playing guitar, filming movies, having picnics, and sunbathing. It's a great place to sit, on a day like today, and watch the world go by.

The end of a long, but rather pleasant day.

Welcome Back!

Wow, I've been away for a long time. It's spring now and I've decided to come back to my blog. I'm going to try to post every day with at least a picture. My goal is to put one up I have taken that day, but I may include some older favorites on occasion.

Another thing I came back to today was yoga. I took a class for the first time in over a year. It felt good. I felt my hands and knees and feet while my teacher reminded us that as we press into the floor, the floor presses back, holding us up. I thought, maybe that applies to my life too. Maybe, if I lean into the universe, the universe will hold me up right back.

Practicing Gratitude

I love being inspired by other people's blogs. I recently stumbled upon Ordinary Courage (www.ordinarycourage.com), which is a phrase that means a lot to me, and which I'll say more about in a later post. The author of Ordinary Courage wrote about gratitude and included this quote:

It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.

--Brother David Steindl-Rast

This transition to New York has been challenging and I have often felt disconnected from my usual sources of joy and comfort. As always, though, I am surrounded by things to be grateful for. In the spirit of this quote, I will now make a top ten list of things I am grateful for today:

1. Obamelection. (This word coined by a charming coworker, not by me.)

2. An enjoyable walk in the park with charming coworker.

3. The pigeons that perch on the ledge outside my window. Their cooing noises remind me of doves.

4. My absolutely lovely roommate, who has already taught me about many things.

5. The Park Slope Food Co-op.

6. The fact that my new apartment in New York is actually quieter than my old one in Maine.

7. The cozy bar just around the corner that serves perfect hot cider.

8. Friends who care enough about me to tell me the truth (as they see it).

9. That every day carries new hope and inspiration if I just do my work.

10. A job, which may not be perfect and may not pay me very much, but from which I will learn and benefit in ways I may not even know yet.

Hometown Pride

I went back to my hometown today. By 'hometown' I mean the city where I grew up, not the semi-rural town where my parents live now. I don't usually visit my hometown, but an errand I needed to do took me there today. I walked past the public library where I spent so much time as a kid, past the beautiful city hall, into the gracious art-deco post office. I was struck by how beautiful everything was and how, as a kid, I had never really seen it. It's been so long since I had a connection to this place that the feeling of homecoming took me by surprise.

I never really thought of this place as beautiful before today. Describing where I grew up to people in Maine, I usually said my hometown was kind of a depressed city, with not a lot going on, a little dangerous, not really a place a lot of people want to be. I usually said it was about the size of my city in Maine, but not as vibrant.

But today I realized there is a vibrancy here I hadn't noticed. Yes, there isn't a lot of money in this town, like there was in its heyday. And maybe it's still not a place I would want to live. But I recognized there's a part of this move that's about going back to my roots. Living in Maine, I felt removed from my past. I was making a new life for myself far away from anywhere I had been as a kid, and that time gave me wonderful gifts. In a way, this move feels now like integrating all the different parts of me, at the same time that I'm exploring new ones. I looked at my hometown--and my life--with new eyes, and I appreciated what I saw. And that was just really cool.

Clearing Out

I guess this wouldn't be a blog about a big move if I didn't have photos of the moving van. Here it is...



I don't really enjoy moving but I think I need to do it every so often. It's such a great opportunity to clean out the things in my life that I don't need. Moving helps me be ruthless where ordinarily I'm not. I can get rid of all of the extra stuff that I've kept around in case I need it someday: "Someday" is over, at least in this place.

I love how I feel as a result of the whole process. Those dishes I was given that I've never used and don't think I will? I finally have the motivation to get rid of them in spite of my guilt. Then they're gone, and I don't miss them. I actually feel better, lighter and freer. This helps me let go of other things hanging around in my life that I don't need... unfinished business, shame, things unsaid, weaknesses I've kept hidden. I drag those things out of the basement and I get a fresh start.

I guess because of this, I felt okay about leaving the town where I've lived for the past nine years. I have such special people there and I'm happy I can go back to visit, and I know there will be times when I miss this place terribly. On moving day though, I felt ready. It was time to clear out the ghosts and make room for something new.